Church shopping. ’Cause sometimes you need a new church.

CHURCH SHOP 'tʃərtʃ ʃɑp verb. Look for the best available church to attend or join.

[Church shopper 'tʃərtʃ 'ʃɑp.pər noun, church shopping 'tʃərtʃ 'ʃɑp.pɪŋ noun]

If you haven’t been going to church lately, or you never did go to church, and you seriously want your relationship with Christ Jesus to grow, it’s time to start. There are lots of other good reasons, which I spell out in my article, “Go to church!” but the main reason is because you need a Christian support system, and church—a good church, anyway—is that.

If most of the reason you don’t go, is because the church you think of as “yours” is not a good church, it’s time to start shopping for a new one. Yes, I use the word shopping. I didn’t come up with the American term “church shopping,” but I still use it, ’cause church shoppers kinda are shopping. When you shop for clothes, you wanna make sure they fit. You try them on. Churches likewise.

Other times, you have to shop for a new church. Happened to me when my last church shut down: I had to go to another. I didn’t shop long; I went to the same church almost everybody else in my old church moved to, realized it was a good fit, and stayed. Took me longer to find that previous church; I had moved to town and was looking at other churches for a few months.

Church shopping isn’t complicated. You visit a new church and try it on for size. If you like it, stick around. If not, try another.

It only gets complicated because certain Christians are extremely choosy about their churches. They insist it should have just the right faith statement. Just the right type of sermon and preacher. Just the right type of music and singers. Just the right type of people—friendly and loving and inclusive, to the right level; you don’t want ’em to be pushy. (Although there are some folks who don’t wanna be befriended, loved, and included; somebody hurt them, and they need therapy.)

Which leads me to talk about bad reasons people might be choosy about their churches. They don’t like the decor. Or there are certain misbehaviors they wanna get away with, and they’re hoping this church will give them a free pass. Or they wanna go to the “cool” church, however they define coolness… which means they look down on their current church, and likely not for the right reasons.

But for most Christians it’s fairly easy. There’s a church in town they’ve either visited, and wouldn’t mind visiting again. Or a church they’ve never tried, but they’re curious about it, and would like to visit. They go, they like it, they stay. Easy.

For others, church-shopping is an ordeal. They visit a church for a few months: They get involved, get to know the people. Even try to join, minister, or try to get into church leadership right away. And then… they discover the dealbreakers, the things they simply cannot abide in their church, and realize they can’t join this church, and leave. And they’re just heartbroken. They’ve been church-shopping for so long. Sometimes years! Just about every church in town—heck, the county—has met these folks: “Yeah, they went here for five months. So they’re at your church now? Well I’m glad they’re somewhere. I always wondered.”

I gotta tell you, though: If you’ve been through 25 different churches in the area and can’t stay in a single one, it’s not the churches which are the problem. It’s you.

Church hopping.

Some Christians don’t wanna join one church. They want to be connected to all the churches in the area. They think attending only one church from now on is like going only to one restaurant from now on: Every time you go out to dinner, it’s Taco Bell again. Ugh. And there are all these other places they’re missing out on! They think the same way of church: All these other styles of worship, all these other ministries, all these preachers they’ve not yet heard, all these other Christians in the area: They wanna be familiar with all of it.

Back in seminary I had a professor who instructed us to visit a different church every week. Not so we could become church hoppers, but because he wanted us to see and experience the great diversity in Christianity. Witness how Baptists worship, how Catholics worship, how Presbyterians worship, how Episcopalians worship… and so on; and so we did. It was certainly interesting. But we didn’t get to know any of the people in those churches. We did feel well-rounded, well-traveled, ecumenically minded, and open minded. Church hoppers feel that way too. And take a lot of pride in feeling that way. Yep, it’s a pride thing.

Most church hoppers simply don‘t care to commit. They wanna be free to visit any church they please, participate as much as they please… or not participate at all, and just watch. They don’t care about supportive relationships with their fellow churchgoers; they don’t care to get involved in the life of the church. They don’t want any one church pinning them down and asking them to contribute, minister, or donate: Hey, they’re just visiting! They’re checking out what God is doing in all the different churches; they love him. Not so much their neighbors. Lk 10.27

Sometimes they’re racking up those God-experiences. I once knew a couple who kept traveling from revival to revival. Whenever they heard the Holy Spirit was doing something in a church, that’s where they were going next. Even if they had to fly across the country to visit that church. They were chasing the spiritual high. They coveted God-experiences, and those churches had ’em, so off they went. But again: No stability, no relationships, no support system, no support from them either. Not that they cared.

If it all sounds dysfunctional, it totally is. The church is people, you remember; and they’re dodging the people solely so they can attend, be encouraged by, be entertained by, and exploit, the services. They’re takers, not participants.

The other reason I see people hopping churches is even more dysfunctional: They’re bouncing from church to church because no church is good enough for them. These people are actually looking for a church, but they have crazy perfectionist standards which no church can meet. They’ve been to 30 different churches in the area, and none of them are good enough.

I used to be part of a small start-up church which met at the city community center. I’d see the perfectionists visit for the first several months. We’d meet them at the door, and answer all their questions about what our church was about. They’d meet the preacher, the pastors, and various other leaders. They’d get to know the regulars, and even become regulars themselves. They’d attend everything we did, and want to know when the next membership class would take place. And then, one week, gone. Fled the church like it was a crime scene.

’Cause they discovered a dealbreaker. Pastor said something they absolutely couldn’t accept. Or someone was impatient or unkind to them. Or they tried prophesying over people but nobody accepted their “ministry.” In one case a woman found out I watched an R-rated movie (and it wasn’t The Passion of the Christ), and wanted to know why the entire church hadn’t censured me over it.

They discovered we weren’t perfect, and this they could not abide. Didn’t matter that they developed friendships among the people of the church; they ended ’em right quick. Didn’t matter that they became members or got into leadership; they simply resigned. Didn’t matter if the people who thought they were friends, wanted to talk things out or apologize; they’re done, they’re outa here. They no longer considered the church a safe space, and were off to find another.

Okay. First of all no church is perfect. The church is people, and people are sinners. I guarantee you there are sinners in every church. Hopefully trying not to sin; the leadership especially. If you somehow find a flawless church, no you actually haven’t; you’ve found hypocrites who are especially good at lying, and you really don’t want to join a church full of expert liars. It’s only a matter of time before that hypocrisy gets exposed, publicly and destructively.

What we want is not a perfect church, for there is no such thing. We want a church who’s trying. If the church is always striving to do better and be better, that’s the kind of “perfect” we need in a church. A church which forgives sinners is far superior to a church with zero tolerance. Not to say any church should permit blatant, unrepentant sin, especially in leadership; of course not. But every church should recognize no one but Jesus is perfect, and the rest of us need grace, so they do grace.

If you’ve fled a dozen churches or more because you can’t find a perfect one, you need to work on doing grace. The churches aren’t the reason you can’t find a church. You are.

Best way to break this cycle is to stay put in whatever church you’re at. Once you discover the church has flaws—I guarantee you it has ’em—deal with these flaws. Act for once like this is your family, and like you’re functional: Don’t abandon them at the first sign of trouble. Work it out. Get, and accept, apologies where appropriate. If someone needs to go through official church discipline, ride out the process. Learn grace. Forgive. Love your neighbors. Grow up.

Do your internet research!

This is the 21st century. If a church can’t be found on the internet, or their website hasn’t been updated in the last five years, it’s a sign of one of two things:

1. They’re a cult, and are trying to hide their misbehavior from the public.
2. Their leaders are ignorant of, or afraid of, technology. Which means they suck at sharing Jesus with the overwhelming majority of the culture, which uses technology. Bad sign.

So they’d better be on the internet. And since you’re on the internet (otherwise how on earth are you reading this?) look ’em up. Visit their website or Facebook page.

True, their websites might suck, or have very little useful information on them. Some of ’em were clearly designed by amateurs. Still: Whatever they have on their sites, read. Find out about their beliefs, ministries, small groups, missions, events, and other activities. Find out which denomination they are—assuming they’re not hiding it. (Some churches do.)

If their sermons are online, listen to a bunch. Make sure they’re quoting and deferring to the bible—and quoting it in context. Make sure they’re preaching good fruit and good behavior—as opposed to condemnation of anyone outside their church, hatred of political enemies and other religions, fear and paranoia, evil disguised as righteousness, and other Christianist junk. These sermons are gonna greatly influence your Christian life, y’know. Make sure they’re not poison.

Check out their faith statement: Does it sound like the stuff you personally believe? Watch out for areas of disagreement. Fr’instance if you don’t believe in women preachers, but women preach in this church, that’s gonna bug you. If you speak in tongues and they ban tongues, you’re gonna butt heads on that one. If you believe in helping the needy, but their sermons indicate they’re huge on the “prosperity gospel,” that’s gonna be a problem. Head off these problems far in advance by checking out the website.

But don’t just look at what they put on the internet.

Yeah, sometimes you’ll find someone left the church, hates that church, and has been bashing them online. Sometimes they’re cranks. But, a little too often, they’re not: That church legitimately wronged them, or sinned against them, or committed a crime against them. They’re trying to warn people away. Take a look at that stuff, and use your commonsense. If their warnings have merit, stay away.

Check out what the local media reported about the church. Harder to do now that a lot of local newspapers have folded, but sometimes there’s stuff out there. Has the newspaper ever written anything about them? Hope it was good… and not that they had a major embezzlement scandal two years ago (which, no surprise, they never talk about). Peek at their Yelp review. Do a Google search on the leaders, and see if you can discover anything on their background—like where they went to school, where they ministered in the past, and of course if there’s any press on them. Again, hope it’s all good.

And yeah, you can do all this internet research while you physically attend their church services. You don’t have to complete your internet research first—although do make sure you’re not visiting a cult, at least.

Red flags.

While you’re on the lookout for dealbreakers, be on the lookout for all the other red flags which warn you this isn’t the right church for you. Or, really, anyone.

Remember, church is meant to be a support system. A family. People who’ll love and help you. People who exhibit the Spirit’s fruit. Whereas fruitless Christians are like big red flags which warn you: STAY AWAY. Especially when these fruitless Christians are in leadership.

Don’t only look at the church leadership. Churches are people. Most of your relationships in church won’t only be with the leaders, but the people. If you can’t stand the people, that’s not good! If the people aren’t making any effort to grow in Christ—if the only mature Christians in the bunch, the only people worth knowing, are in leadership—that’s not good either.

Remember, a church and its leadership are two different things. The leadership are the people who wrote all the nice-sounding stuff on the website. They’re the ones who actually believe the faith statement, mission statement, values, and so forth. But the people, the congregation which actually makes up the church, may not believe any of it, or even know any of it. Or care.

Fr’instance I used to go to an all-white church. Didn’t mean to! I didn’t even realize it was intended to be that way, which is why I kept inviting non-white friends to come to church with me. But unless there’s a language barrier, the only reason any church is all-white, all-black, all-Latino, all-whatever, is racism. There were racists in that church, subtly driving away any non-whites I, or others, invited. Doesn’t matter what the non-racists in leadership wanted, or put in the church’s literature about how God’s kingdom is for everyone. The people set most of the tone of any church. Far more than most church leaders realize.

So never forget to check out the people, those sitting in the seats with you. Either they’re seeking God with all their hearts, enthusiastically contributing to the life of your church… or they’re passively letting the leaders run the show, and contributing nothing but their own prejudices. Either the church is full of love and joy, or it’s got that cavernous feeling like the Holy Spirit left the building ages ago, and the only wind blowing within it are the sour farts of the spiritually asleep.

Can you trust these people to be your Christian support system? Or do they figure that’s the pastor’s job, whereas they’re free to be needy, whiny, bitter, or self-centered? That’s a worst-case scenario… but honestly, too many churches fit it.

Do they introduce themselves and try to make conversation? Do they make sure they talk to you before you can slip out undetected? Do they try to involve you in any upcoming events? Do they make contact with you after the service?—and I mean serious contact, unlike a message you aren’t expected to return. Do they want you to become a part of what they’re doing?

If the church is truly following Jesus’s command to love one another, it should be completely obvious one way or the other. One visit will tell you everything. You may not need two.